prayer and doubt and faith, oh my!

Have you ever found yourself in a place in your spiritual life you never thought you’d go? Had doubts you never ever thought you’d have or questions that you’re flabbergasted you suddenly need the answers to?

A few weeks ago I found myself there in that yucky place void of prayer. It occurred to me that I was avoiding it because I questioned whether God was actually going to do anything about my problems (MPD). I felt stuck and quite convicted of the bad place I was in.

My prayerlessness became even more evident when every sermon I heard, piece of advice I was getting was all about prayer. I became determined to fix my attitude and lack of faith, because it was sin (but probably more because the conviction was really annoying, frankly).

As a part of this process, I wrote my May newsletter on the topic of prayer and how much I needed it in order to complete my MPD in time to be on campus this fall. To be honest, I had a lot of doubt that the newsletter would make a difference. I had a lot of doubt that my supporters actually pray for me (or even really care at all about what I’m doing), and I still have doubt. But boy, am I ever glad I sent that newsletter out.

Suddenly, it’s evident that at least someone is praying. People have been responding by giving even without an ask, and in the last two weeks I’ve seen more support come in than I saw the entire month before that! Seeing this change in my support and seeing God respond to my prayers has been a huge encouragement and given me that desire to pray again. I can see momentum building in a big way.

And yet, I still have pretty large doubts that loom over my heart. Doubts that I will ever finish MPD (even though I have ~10% left to raise!) and doubts that God really cares about my agenda of getting on campus in time. Maybe he doesn’t care that I want this to be OVER! and he has other things planned. Maybe this is all about my recent uncertainty of my own theology & how that relates to God responding to my prayers.

So doubt or no doubt, lack of faith or full of faith, I have not given up on this thing called prayer (which is probably a good thing because I would have probably been fired if I had!).

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